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Resources for Parents and Friends of Gay Catholics

It's terrifying to come out as lesbian or gay, especially when you're not sure how your family will react. It's especially hard to come out to family and friends when you're not sure that they will support you or even accept you.  For many people, coming out as lesbian or gay means that you're taking the very real risk of losing people you love.  It takes a lot of courage to come out, and it's not something that you have to do right away (or ever).

For me, one of the most helpful things that I could do before and after coming out was to look for support and information.  Finding LGBT resources gave me the confidence to admit to myself that I was gay, and helped me form my own opinions about homosexuality within the Catholic Church.  They also helped me start talking to my family and friends about what it means for me to be LGBT and Catholic.

Lately I've realized that there don't seem to be a lot of resources for LGBT Catholics, or for parents and friends of LGBT catholics.  I want to make it easier for LGBT Catholics and loved ones to find resources with information about what it means to be gay and Catholic.  I'm sure that there are many I don't know about, but I've listed here the ones that I do know.  Feel free to let me know if there are any that I haven't listed.

To Start:

Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message To Parents Of Homosexual Children And Suggestions For Pastoral Ministers

• This article, a 1997 statement by the Bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family, is a good place to start if you have recently found out that a child or loved one is gay.

LGBT Catholic Resources:

If you're looking for more information, here are a few Catholic organizations dedicated to creating a safe space within the Church for LGBT individuals.  These are all good places to start looking for support:

Equally Blessed

• Equally Blessed is a coalition of the four groups listed below.  Equally Blessed is a good place to look for news related to LGBT advocacy within the Catholic Church.

Fortunate Families

• Fortunate Families is a great place to start if you've recently discovered that a child or loved one is gay and are looking for answers or support.  They also have a section for transgender resources, which I love.

DignityUSA

• DignityUSA is a good place to go if you want to become involved in LGBT ministry.

Call to Action

• Call to Action is a social justice movement within the Catholic Church.  It's a great way to become  involved in a movement toward justice and equality.

New Ways Ministry

• New Ways Ministry runs a lot of LGBT news, and seeks to promote dialogue within the Church.

For Other LGBT Resources:

CDC List of LGBT Youth Resources

• I recommend checking out the Trevor Project, PFLAG National, and the It Gets Better Project (It makes me cry!).

Gay Christian Network

• GCN isn't specifically Catholic, but it's a great resource and it really helped me take the step toward coming out to my friends and family.

St. Benedict's Day

My birthday is on July 11, which is the feast day of St. Benedict of Nursia.  Coincidentally, it's also E. B. White's birthday, so overall it's a very nice day to have a birthday.

As a birthday gift to myself, I ordered a copy of The Rule of St. Benedict online a few days ago.  I thought this would be a fitting time to get to know my birthday saint.

I've liked St. Benedict ever since I found picture of him in a saints book that somebody gave me years ago.  Benedict was a solitary person.  Born in 480 AD, he lived in Subiaco, Italy.  He was poised to become a Roman noble, but when he was about my age he halted his studies and left Rome to live a quieter life in Enfide.

Benedict eventually became a hermit and lived in a cave near Enfide for three years.   Despite his solitude he became well-known during this time and was asked to be the abbot of a nearby monastery.  At first he refused, saying that his rule would be too strict for the monks.

Eventually Benedict agreed, and, as he had predicted the monks were unhappy with his rule.  They tried to poison him, but according to legend the cup with the poisoned drink was shattered and the poisoned bread was carried away by a raven.

St. Benedict and the Raven

I started reading The Rule of St. Benedict last night, and it's beautiful.  To many people reading the Rule today, I think that Benedict's way might come across as harsh and difficult.  He didn't mean it to be that way, though.  Benedict wrote his Rule as a guide to a life of balance and moderation, an alternative way of life in a world fear and chaos.  It's important to keep this intention in mind, and to read the Rule as a guide rather than as a punishing law.

Benedict's writing is peaceful and wise.  I'm sure I'll write more about him, but for now here's a quote:

Your way of acting should be different from the world's way.  You are not to act in anger or nurse a grudge.  Rid your heart of all deceit.  Never give a hollow greeting of peace or turn away when someone needs your love.

Caboose Day

My cousins call the day before your birthday your caboose day, since it's your last day of being whatever age you are.  I love this.  Today is my caboose day -- I'll be 21 tomorrow!

To celebrate my caboose day, I took a field trip to the library about half an hour north of my house.  (I promised myself that I would practice my driving skills this summer, so I've been setting goals for myself.  This was my longest drive so far!  Sigh.  This is what happens when you wait until college to get your license.)

On the way home, I stopped at an old army fort that we affectionately call the block house.

The block house!  It looks like a block.

...Because it looks like a block.  I think.  I'm pretty sure that's why.

I conquered my irrational fear of heights and climbed up to the second floor.  It was beautiful.  It's dark in the block house, but in the late afternoon the light pours through the lookout windows.

Afternoon light in the old wooden fort.

 I'm looking forward to turning 21, even though it seems so old.  Is 21 old?  It feels old.  I still think I'm 17 most of the time.

I feel old, but I feel young at the same time.  There's a lot I don't know about life, and now I'm realizing how much I don't know.  Laundry, for example.  I do it every week, but I still can't separate my colors correctly.

That's probably good.  I don't think I want to know everything.  I like the mystery and surprise of life.

Caboose Day!

Morning in Avalon

I woke up early this morning and went to the lake to see if I could photograph the heron who lives at the edge of the water.  (Or is it a crane?  I can't tell the difference.)  Everything was quiet and hidden in the mist.

The Lake in the Morning

The heron wasn't there, so I waited for a while in the water.  I took off my unseasonal winter boots (you have to wear boots to get through the marsh, and I lost my wellies) and waded barefoot across the driftwood.

At the Lake's Edge With Muddy Boots

Which, by the way, is a bad idea.  Don't go barefoot in the lake.  Really.  If you aren't impaled on a rusty nail you'll at least be attacked by leeches.

Origami Lotus on the Water

I'm still getting used to having free time now that I'm home for the summer.  It feels strange to spend a morning waiting for herons instead of hurrying to class.

Cattails Add a Touch of Color

It's nice to be home, even though I miss my school and my friends.  I like to be busy at school, but sometimes it feels like I've lost touch with myself.  Spending time at the lake is a nice way to re-center.

Driftwood and Cinders

 The heron eventually showed up, after about an hour.  You can tell when the heron is around because he's so loud.  By the time I photographed the heron, the mist was dissolving and I could almost see the houses across the lake.

The Heron Finally Shows Up

There's a Light in the Marsh

Scilla Elworthy on Nonviolence

I often wonder how it's possible to stand up to oppression and violence, both the overt and subtle kinds,  without resorting back to violence.  How can nonviolence be an effective way of transforming violence into peace?

I love this TEDx talk on nonviolence by Scilla Elworthy.  Elworthy defines three kinds of violence, which I have quoted here:

1. "Political violence to intimidate..."
2. "Physical violence to terrorize..."
3. "Mental or emotional violence to undermine..."

The point that stands out most to me from her talk is the idea that using more violence doesn't work.  Using violence to stop violence isn't effective -- it only adds to the problem.  Instead, we have to cultivate peace within ourselves and bring a calm clarity to any violent situation.

According to Elworthy, it's necessary to practice self-awareness in order to practice nonviolence.  We have control over our own responses to oppression, and in order to control our own responses we have to master our fears.

How can we master our fears?  Not by subduing or dominating them -- to me, that seems like a form of violence against ourselves.  Elwothy's solution is to open a dialogue with our fears.  Talk to them, as if they were children.  This is a form of mindfulness.  If we're able to overcome our own fears with nonviolence, we'll be able to overcome bigger problems as well.

Why I Write: I'm Gay and Catholic

This morning my local newspaper ran an inflammatory article about gay marriage's "dirty little secret" -- that according to data from 33 years ago, not all gay couples are monogamous.  According to the author, "gay couples are very different when it comes to sex," and "in legalizing gay marriage, we are accepting a form of sanctioned marriage which is inventing all kinds of new models of how to accommodate lust and desire."

... Really?  Such an imagination and the author can't find a way to use her powers for good?  Of course not all gay marriages are monogamous.  Neither are a lot of straight marriages.  But that doesn't mean that gay marriage exists simply to sanction lust and desire.

As a gay Catholic I've spent years listening to iterations of the idea that I'm somehow more sinful than everyone else.  That I'm dirty, wrong, an abomination, or -- as my own Catechism puts it -- "objectively disordered" and "gravely depraved."  People have asked me whether I'm worried about being unnatural, and have chastised me for not praying hard enough for a "cure."  I've been yelled at, harassed on my way to class, and have been told (shouted at, really) that I'm going to hell.

You might think that I'm provoking people to anger, or that I stand out in some obvious way.  I'm not, and I don't.  I'm actually pretty shy and I mostly keep to myself.  In fact, a lot of my family and friends probably don't even know that I identify as gay.  I don't do anything to stand out, aside from being willing to talk about being gay.

I started this blog because I'm tired of feeling silenced when people make uninformed and hurtful comments about the gay community.  It's not okay for others to use my sexuality as a canvas for expressing their own insecurities.  And mostly, I want to reach out to other people in my situation.  It's scary to be young and gay, especially when being honest about yourself means taking the very real risk of losing family and friends you love.  But it's never acceptable for others to make derogatory comments about you and your sexuality, whether overt or implied.  Not your family, not your church, not the media -- nobody.

I'm gay, and I don't have the power to change that, just like I don't have the power to change the color of my skin or eyes.  Could a heterosexual change his or her sexual preference?  In any case, I do have the power to say something about the way I'm treated, and I'm done staying silent.